Telling people

There’s a lot of admin around cancer. I remember that from last time. The politics of who to tell when. Last time I called close friends. This time I couldn’t really find the words or the energy and texted a lot of them. Sorry for that. The emotional energy of saying ‘I’m dying’ in not so many words and managing others’ reactions overcame me after the first couple. But really, am I? I feel ok. It’s too surreal so we lose ourselves in comforting chat about statistics and modern targeted treatments and the immediate future. I have avoided telling some people for longer. I’m not sure why. Perhaps I think they will react badly or say something I won’t know how to react to. Either way it has to be done. Like ripping a plaster off. I’ve not gone as far at putting the news on social media yet. Last time I had cancer I found the support of acquaintances quite helpful but somehow this feels too dark and serious to ‘announce’, it’s not like a marriage or a birth or what I did on my holiday. So for now it’s you. I’m telling you. A stranger – strangers from France Belgium and Germany so far. I see that the most common time you search and find me is 2am. The time when everyone else is in bed and you google the bad stuff. Well if you’re here I feel your 2am search. Stay strong. Tell people. Tell a stranger. Tell anyone. What are we here for if not to look out for each other. Go to sleep. It’ll look better in the morning.