A former colleague from Channel 4 kindly sent me this wonderful book of poems by Lemn Sissay out of the blue. Thank you Jane! It arrived on my doormat this morning like a little ray of sunshine and I love it. It is a handbag sized bright yellow tome, perfect for carrying to appointments. I always carry reading but try to avoid a heavy bag these days or it contributes to fatigue. On each page is a stanza of four lines, edited from a daily exercise he did for ten years. This seems like a good exercise. As he puts it, it takes either ‘5 minutes or 5 years’ to write a poem. Maybe healing is the same.
This week I am seeing a celebrated energy healer who is visiting for a couple of weeks from afar. I’m not telling you her name for fear of her getting booked up! You can ask me if you’re interested. She has a reputation for healing all sorts of illnesses. And I will see her every day this week. It’s one of those gambles which may or may not pay off but it won’t hurt. I was trying to explain to my daughter that it is possible to travel hopefully but without any particular expectation. Perhaps this comes with age. A positive version of managing disappointment. Let’s just call it experience in managing attachment to ideas or things.
It’s day two and the journey across London is quite an epic adventure for me these days. I am offsetting the pain of tube travel by exploring the gentrified climes of St John’s Wood. And I am energised and in no pain when I come out of my session. To be fair St John’s Wood has never been too shabby but it appears to be catering to very wealthy clientele these days. Great charity shops between the designers but everything is in a size 8 and there’s a lot of gold and rhinestone. I think Chiswick has more generously sized, affluent ladies with more conservative taste, willing to give up their designer goods. I’ll stick with my neighbourhood.
So on day one I felt a bit shy and tried to allow myself to get in the zone. With a previous healer I used to get a release of a lot of bright chakra colours in my mind’s eye and they slowly begin to rotate as geometric patterns appeared. Sacred geometry as I discovered later. This time I got no firework show but some very profound energetic shifts. It’s hard to describe these but as I feel the internal shift I can hear static collecting on the healer’s fingers as she works and it releases and cracks as she flicks it off. Sometimes it feels like my spine has lengthened an inch or my head has expanded and yesterday I felt the static leave the top of my spine in a fizz and a pop. It’s a bit like when you move a heavy piece of furniture and all the dust flies out and a couple of old socks, a scrunchie and a pen. If you’re lucky you find the remote control and a pound coin. In our house anyway.
I asked her today what she was experiencing when I heard the static. She had her hand on my jaw at one point and her palm over my ear where I still have pain from the wisdom tooth and I could hear something crackling in the fine bones of her hand. She says she experiences this as pain and that’s why she does a small but elaborate ritual of clearing the energy, tying it off like invisible strings and flicking out the static. I had to peak to see what was going on! I like this little performance as it’s not for me. I had my eyes closed (sorta). She says she does five consecutive days with clients rather than say a day a week so that she can get through the layers. It is a quietly extraordinary experience being unpeeled like an onion.
Even coming here stirs up a few things I’ve been pushing down. I went to see The Book of Mormon last week and laughed particularly hard at the ‘Turn it off’ song (https://genius.com/Original-broadway-cast-of-the-book-of-mormon-turn-it-off-lyrics) as I realise that’s what I’ve been doing. Maybe it’s not that healthy but it’s kind of working for me. The Great British Ignore The Problem and It Will Go Away! I am pretty good at parking the fact that I am quite seriously ill and I do forget. I can be jolly and go about and do things. My energy is compromised and I find myself moving a bit slow as if through a magical mud cloud. But to go to a healer or even a hospital is to acknowledge you are ill. So healers become my hospital and I am pretending hospitals are my spa. I thanked the MRI staff at Wembley for my lovely spa treatment this week after an hour long hammering. I can sleep through them now but the trouble is I snore and twitch. Must be funny in the ‘viewing gallery’. Sometimes when I am allowed to move I sing along. This week they chose Stevie Wonder as my soundtrack which would have been cool but it was his ‘off’ phase in the 80s. But somehow healing is a more serious business than scans and medicine as you have to fully participate and allow it in. Hospitals I can just float through passively and allow it to happen.
Next week hardcore treatment starts. I fear the entry of new chemicals into my body. My body has always been puritanical, rejecting foreign substances. When I used to try the odd drug or six as a youth I’d sneeze for days or come out in hives . If I drink I get ulcers. I know these drugs are supposed to save or prolong my life but it doesn’t make it easier to put up with the shitty side effects. Bring it on (she says weakly). (Turn it Off)
I’m tired and I need to face the tube. I have finally relented and got my ‘Please offer me a seat’ badge out. I find myself less in the mood to be belligerent this time. Last time I had cancer I’d kick anyone out of the disabled seats. The ‘unblocking’ has however given me the necessary kick up the arse to organise the jazz charity gig I’ve been planning. Holborn Pizza Express anyone 14th July? £20 and you have to eat a pizza so I make the minimum spend. Just got to coordinate with the band and we’re good to go!
I’m going to leave you with a finger in the air selection of a morning poem from Lemn which feels appropriate for today.
Breathe 
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